Four Easy Lessons and a Simple Truth

Life is good with your clients when you get along and communicate well. Often, that's not the case. We've all experienced "difficult clients" who drive us crazy and make it hard for us to deliver good work. Wouldn't it be great if you could wave a magic wand and make the difficulties disappear? Think how much more productive you could be! We can't promise to make that happen, but this article will give you a new perspective on why some of your clients are difficult and what you can do about it.

Let's start with a simple truth and then get into the nitty-gritty:
You can't change someone else's behavior. You can only change your own.

If things are going to get better you need to take the responsibility to change first. The good news is, once you understand the other person's underlying needs, you can change your behavior in a way that encourages them to change theirs. The end result is a better relationship, which allows you to get on with the business of delivering great products and memorable service.

Lesson #1: It's not the people who are difficult, it's their behavior. And no one chooses a behavior unless it has, at some point in the past, helped them get what they want and need.

Lesson #2: Difficult people seldom perceive themselves as being difficult. Dr. Joseph Koob has made a life study of "Difficult People" and points out that, in fact, they probably think we are being difficult and keeping them from getting what they want. When we change our reaction to their behavior our clients perceive us as becoming reasonable, so they change their reaction and behavior. Once you are aware of this phenomenon you will notice and able to diffuse difficult client behaviors and situations early.

Lesson #3: The key to diffusing a difficult situation is to understand the other person's wants, needs and intents. Begin by appreciating that most negative behavior is rooted in fear. It could be the fear of: not being accepted, being wrong, being misunderstood or not belonging. Often these fears are the opposite of what we want and need. We need: acknowledgment, to be right, to receive attention, to be understood and to be part of the group. Wants and needs are similar; however, what we think we want may not be what we need.

Lesson #4: Intent. Understanding wants and needs takes practice and insight; learning to understand intent can be easier and useful in dealing with your clients. Intent is the outcome someone is looking for. The following intents are inspired by the book "Dealing with People You Can't Stand" by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirshner.

When you are frustrated you might try asking your client why they think your relationship is so difficult. This approach puts them in control, which may meet their intent. If you listen carefully, you may also learn what they want or need. This approach works well when you are ready to be charitable, creative and generous in meeting your client's real needs. However, you need to be willing to listen to how they perceive your behavior. You may be surprised and must accept their comments without reacting and defending yourself. Remember, your intent is to understand your client so you can improve your working relationship. Learning to stop your immediate reaction and then pause, think and respond with your end purpose in mind is a skill you will find useful in many situations. I know from personal experience that it's not easy, but it's something you get better at with practice.

Not sure how to identify the various types of intent? Here is a breakdown of the possible situations you might find yourself in. When examining Intent, always start with taking a closer look at the behavior:

Behavior becomes more . . .

Controlling - when the intent is to get the job done. High control clients are in a hurry to get the job done and may not appreciate why proofing and editing is important. Or why you need to follow a process to produce an effective end result. You can improve your relationship by providing a clear schedule; meeting your deadlines; helping them understand that a short-cut taken in one place can mean more time lost later on.

Perfectionist - when the intent is to get it right. Perfectionist clients, or nit-pickers, are indecisive and critical of everything. They slow down the project because they are afraid to accept one stage of work and get to the next. They need to get it right because they need approval. You can improve your relationship by providing plenty of support and reassurance. Help them understand others may view getting the job done on time even more important than perfection.

Approval seeking - when the intent is to get along and belong. These clients could be called "nice persons" and they can be very frustrating. Their need to get along with everyone results in an inability to stick to decisions. The approval seeker acquiesces to all internal requests, which results in delays, cost over-runs, and a lot of angst for you. You can make your life easier by showering them with approval when they stick to the schedule. Help them understand that, by trying to please everyone, they are at risk of the opposite, having everyone angry when the job is late and over-budget. You may even play the 'bad cop' role in group meetings, taking responsibility for the need to stick with decisions to get the job done.

Attention getting - when the intent is to be appreciated. Attention getting behavior in a client or employee is often perceived as pestering. The client calls too often, interrupting your work and ability to deliver. It is tempting to ignore the attention seeking client, but your life will improve sooner if you acknowledge and let them know you appreciate them - often. Give them what they need and the level of attention seeking will diminish. The key is to step back from your annoyed reaction and sincerely find things you can appreciate. It may take awhile, but, in most cases this approach will improve the situation.